More Thoughts

Last night was hard for me...not because it was any significant day in my life or Dad's life or anything like that.  I just had a few moments of dark silence--just enough time for my mind to wander.  The images in my mind switched back and forth between the night that Dad died and so many of the other wonderful days we had together.  It was like there was no memory that could get me to stop crying.  But, in a way, I was relieved to bawl, as I'd been struggling to feel--so many of the days since November 18, I've only felt numb--completely unable to express or work through the things that I cognitively knew I "felt."

Joe, of course, was wonderful.  Hugs, offers of hot tea and the space and freedom to know that crying is perfectly healthy.

One of the things that people have said to my family is that our faith has been inspiring.  Now, this is incredibly generous of people to say, because none of us is perfect--far from it--but it's nice to know that we're at least at places in our life (and even in his death, for Dad) where we've been able to rest as vessels through whom God can operate.  But, then I got to thinking even more, and here's what I have to say: why shouldn't my faith be stronger than ever?  People sometimes identify moments of struggle in their life as times when they felt God was distant, and I don't want to disclaim their real emotions or anything, but I might suggest that the experience of a person's death ought to cause us to grow stronger in our faith, and here's why:

In my case, I lost Dad.  Now, if you've read my most recent blog, or talked to me, ohhhh, ever, then you know that my dad was, is, and will be my hero.  And, since his death, I've only found more support from everyone else that, while imperfect, to be sure, Dad was pretty incredible.  Losing him is sad.  BUT, losing Dad had zero effect on Jesus' death on the cross, and zero effect on Jesus' resurrection and ascension.  So, there's no reason to stop believing in it.  In reality, the complete opposite is true: Dad didn't affect Jesus' death, but Jesus, in and through his death and resurrection totally changed the nature of Dad's death.  If not for God's sacrifice of his son, Dad's death would be permanent and awful.  But, thank God for loving us so much!  God SO LOVED the world that he gave his only begotten son, that WHOSOEVER believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

Sooo....Dad's good.  There's no reason to question that.  There's no reason for my faith to be up for debate.

Also, I put "whosoever" in all caps because it's very significant that this invitation is completely open--it's not just perfect people, or learned people, or rich people, or 'deserving' people for whom eternal life is an option--in fact, for those folks--if they think they're somehow responsible for the entirety of their success and/or good fortune--have some work to do...but, God makes sure that we know that we're ALL invited to be a part of this eternal life business--and, that that's true NOW, not just after we've become a "good person" or after we've done all of the good deeds that we can think of.  Perfection is not required--trust and humility, on the other hand, are.

Now, I want to back up for a minute, because I don't want to sound as if all death should be easy or whatever.  I think it is a perfectly normal, healthy, good, reasonable thing to mourn.  I think that we can honestly say to God, "Hey, I really don't understand why _____ had to die right now.  Seriously...."

Especially when untimely deaths are concerned, the ability to understand is pretty much nonexistent. 

Um, if you go back and read about what Jesus was doing just before his arrest, you'll see that he was pleading with God that his "cup be taken away".  He was saying, "Look, if there's any other way...and I mean any other way that everything can be done, can we do that?  PUH-LEASE?!?"  But, then, without missing a beat, Jesus continues with this: "BUT...If you CAN'T change things up, and if I HAVE to be arrested, tortured, crucified, and the whole kit and kaboodle, then so be it.  It's about what you want, and I'll do whatever that is."

And THAT is where having faith comes in. It's not about understanding.  It's not about mourning. It's about knowing that, if God wanted to do things differently to accomplish at least as much for His kingdom, that he would and that,when things don't go as we hope, that we can be confident that God still can and will use them for the good of all those who love him.

Booyah.