Hi again.
Today, as part 3 in this little series, I will venture to share the things that I have learned over the course of the past several months as a result of my efforts toward health. I'm sure I'll forget some things, and I'm sure that there are still plenty more to be discovered, but my hope, as ever, is that, somehow, maybe what I have to say can be helpful to someone else...
1. G.I. Joe is right: Knowing is half the battle. The assumptions that I made about foods before actually taking the time to learn about them were only partly supported by actual data. For example, yes, it is true that fast food is incredibly unhealthy. So, I was right about that. But, for reasons unknown, I somehow had it in my mind that a tortilla, being so thin, must not be too terribly high in calories. It is 200 calories for one of those bad boys. So, for every quesadilla I made, I was using up 400 calories just in wrappers...and the beans and beef and cheese and guacamole (or whatever else) inside accounted for plenty more. Being informed of the nutritional value (or lack thereof) is very important. So is measuring...because, turns out, my assumptions about that were way off base, too.
2. Being informed about the things that we eat is wildly important. Here, I don't mean calories. I mean chemicals. And salt. And the whole universe of crap that we take in under the guise that it is 'food.' My awareness for things like this began when my sister and I had a conversation about the variety of creamers on the market. She just had the straight up, standard half and half in her fridge. At that point, I had some low fat flavored business in mine. First of all, the calories in mine were higher than hers because of the sugar content. Second, I can't begin to tell you what the ingredients are in the one that I had. So, needless to say, I'm using regular half and half now, too. I've read lots of books that recommend that we eat whole foods, that we stick to ingredients that we can pronounce and/or whose origins we can trace. I think that this is very good advice in lots of ways; it turns out that it has helped me to lose weight, too. For the sake of full disclosure, I have to admit that I turn a blind eye to Kraft 'Cheese and Macaroni,' because, well, I don't care. It's delicious. But, for everything else, I really believe that real stuff is the way to go.
3. It's not pizza's fault. I actually love pizza. And, we have a bread maker that we've used to make our own crust, which makes it even better. But, I've had to work hard to learn not to blame the pizza for my problems. Or Samoa Girl Scout cookies. Or chips and salsa. It's my fault. I've made the choices. I've let myself be tempted, and I've given in to it. I've justified it.
4. There will be setbacks. There are little bumps in the road. There are giant hills in the road. And there's the treacherous Christmas Mountain that must be defeated. It's not always easy. In fact, it's rarely easy at the beginning. I gained a few pounds in December because I let myself go more than I should have. It is more effective to be honest about those setbacks than to pretend that they never happened.
5. Setbacks are not a good enough reason to admit defeat. In fact, I've learned that I need to have a short memory when it comes to setbacks. It happened, it stunk, now let me move forward and have a more productive next day/week/month/whatever. Quitting is just not a good option. Even at the worst points along the way, quitting has never seemed like a good idea since it would surely land me back where I started--or worse--and I really don't want to ever feel that way again.
6. You must be gentle with yourself. Screw ups happen. But, when you start from a place of deep pain and regret, it's important to be gentle with yourself when you make mistakes, and to keep in mind that you are working--very hard--to be better. But, Rome wasn't built in a day, old habits die hard, and...you know...a bunch of other colloquialisms.
7. You are not alone in your struggle. Seriously. There are people all over the place who are feeling the way that you feel and failing the way that you fail. There are people who are in worse shape than you, and who have fallen much harder and deeper into despair. The only reason you're alone in this is because you choose to be.
8. If you let people in, their support will be immeasurable. I never expected people to really give much thought to me doing all of this. I probably told myself that as a defense mechanism. But, honestly, the outpouring of love, support and encouragement that I've received has been incredibly humbling and inspiring.
9. Be a good friend and, no matter how much time passes, your friendship will remain intact. I haven't always been the best friend, that's for sure. I've hurt feelings along the way. I've been unreliable too many times. I've told some secrets even though I've pinky-sworn that I wouldn't. But, all things considered, I think that I've been a pretty good friend. And, I've been blessed to have lots of friends in lots of different places. And now, thanks in large part to Facebook, a huge percentage of those people have gotten in touch with me. Many have done so to congratulate me on my success thus far, but I've also gotten messages, and have even made plans to visit with, people who I haven't seen for years--some for more than a decade. Some people have shared some of the difficulties that they have faced in their own struggle to be healthy. Others have shared their own perspective on how things were back in middle and/or high school. Some have just reminded me that they loved me even when I was at my worst.
Now, since this is my blog, and I can say what want, I want to take a second to point out that these people are my friends despite the fact that I know we disagree pretty adamantly about some of the political hot topics. And/or we disagree on religion--either on which one is correct, or what role it should play in our lives--and the life of the collective society--or both. We disagree on any number of things. But that doesn't affect the nature of our friendship. We're friends despite our differences. We can be supportive of each other, while still being true to ourselves. And, I'm sick and tired of people blocking other people out of their lives because they aren't willing to do the same. It's not just possible--it's the right thing to do when your friendship really matters.
10. You can do it. And, with patience, you will do it. It's hard to wait. It's even harder when you see other people start later and finish earlier. It's hard when you see people who are just skinny, and who have excellent cholesterol, and who can run a 5k without batting an eye...and it's just always "been that way." But, it's possible. And, as "habit" overtakes "discipline" and "fun" overtakes "work" and "vulnerability" overtakes "ego", it even becomes probable. I'm only a little more than halfway there, in terms of my weight goal. But, being mentally and emotionally much further along makes it a much more navigable journey. And, being surrounded by so much love not only makes it easier, but it makes it completely and entirely worth it.
4.11.2013
4.03.2013
The Weight is Over, Pt. 2
Howdy.
As a point of personal privilege, I want to thank all of you who responded in such humbling and supportive ways to my post yesterday. It is pretty amazing to know that there are so many people who took the time to read my story, let alone to then respond to it. So, thanks. I count myself truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.
Anyway, the first part of today's post is more about the technical side of what I've been doing to work toward my health goals. I mentioned yesterday that I needed to find things that fit within my life, and it took some time to hit on a master combination. But, at this point, I feel like I've really landed on things that make sense, and that work well in tandem with each other.
So, without any further ado, part two:
Though I am not someone who can say that I've tried "every diet in the book", I definitely looked into a number of things and dabbled in a few of them. I struggle with discipline and with maintaining interest in things (heck, I've even been diagnosed with ADHD), so I could fairly easily rule out diets that caused you to drop things cold turkey. For some people, dropping sugar and flour completely out of their diet has been an effective, maintainable approach to losing weight. I actually decided to try that for funsies this week and, as I write this, I'm on day 2; I'm glad that I'm trying it, but I'll be glad when I'm finished, too. Anyway, I did some searching and finally landed upon a website/app called loseit!. I was able to set up an account for free, and it has a giant database of foods from which you can select those things which you've eaten on a particular day, along with the amount that you ate. When you can't find the appropriate product, you can scan the upc code or manually enter the data.
How it works, aside from that, is pretty easy. You enter your current weight, your goal weight and, essentially, how quickly you'd like to lose (or gain) it. It will let you plan to lose up to two pounds/week. Then, it gives you a calorie budget based on those numbers. As you lose weight, the calorie budget decreases little by little. And, when you exercise, you can enter that in, too, to represent more accurately the extra calories that you have to burn. You get badges, weekly reports, graphs and all sorts of other stuff.
This was a great first step for me. And it worked fairly well for several months. I was exercising more, too, but the big thing was that I was never forced to stay away from things that I enjoy in the name of a diet. I can eat pizza--I just have to have calories in the budget. And, if I don't have the calories, then I better get out and earn them with a walk or a swim or whatever. Frankly, though, the longer I stick with it, the less I want to have high fat, high sugar, highly processed stuff, anyway.
To me, the key here is that I haven't really been on a diet with a stopping point; instead, I've learned how to make healthy modifications that I can live with well beyond the moment when I hit my goal. So, that's part one.
Second, I got a bunch of money in amazon gift cards for Christmas. I had about 3908 things in my shopping cart, and was ready to shell out my virtual dough, when I saw a listing for a Fitbit One. I didn't have a clue what a fitbit was, or how it worked, but I liked saying it, so I looked into it (I know; I'm a marketer's dream). Anyway, it's a pedometer/calorie counter/staircase counter/sleep measurer/activity level measurer/distance measurer all in one. I love it. It wasn't cheap, at $105, but, for me, it has been worth every penny.
It measures things, which is nice, but it also gives me daily goals. I'm fiercely competitive by nature and, finally, my disdain for losing has paid off--I hate it when I don't meet my goals for the day. I'm even tepid when I meet them, but only just.
Other things that I love include the fact that it only needs to be charged about once/week, it's water & sweat proof, it's small and unobtrusive and, best of all, it automatically syncs with my computer AND with my loseit! accounts, to offer an even BETTER breakdown of calories burned. For folks who don't do running and/or walking as their primary exercise, it might not be so helpful, though there is an activity tab, under which you can enter the data from other types of movement.
And third, I got the Couch to 10K App for my phone. It, too, is a freebie. And it has the voice of a lovely woman who, each day throughout the series, tells me when to warm up, when to run, when to walk (if ever) and when to begin my cooldown. It gradually increases the distance and stamina required. Plus, you can listen to your own music throughout. And, maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure that the lovely woman's voice is especially enthusiastic when she says, "Your workout is finished."
The combination of these three elements, plus a dose of motivation and courage, has gotten me this far. Well, mostly. But, the apps didn't just get me eating better or showing up at the track in the frigid winter by themselves.
Here are other things that have helped me along the way:
1. Pinterest is one of many great ways to find motivational quotes. I took a bunch of my favorites, typed them up in a variety of fonts and colors (because that's fun for me), and I have them next to my bed. I read them a couple of times a week, at least, and more if I'm having a particularly rough patch.
2. I visualize like crazy. To get through tough runs, for example, I "see" Andy cheering for me at the end of all of the races I have on the agenda. I "see" myself fitting into a goal outfit that I've been eyeing up. I "see" my calves when they're toned like a runner's calves ought to be.
3. I think of things that make my effort valuable. I think of how proud my dad would be if he were alive to see this happening. I think of how proud Joe is of me. I think of the many friends and family members who have observed changes in me (it's been at least 2 months since I showed up at church and didn't have someone complimenting and congratulating me). I think, too, of the people who have said that I have inspired them to make healthy, positive changes in their own lives. And, of course, I think of the fact that Kaitlin, my running buddy, and I are keeping track of the miles that we run and, of course, I want to win. Honestly, that last thing is sometimes the only thing that keeps me moving.
4. I have Kaitlin. She and I hold each other accountable just by checking in when we run. But, what's especially great about Kaitlin is that she is so great at offering encouragement and she also is a relaxed person by nature, which helps me to relax, too. It's safe to say that our friendship has grown through this, too, which is a nice byproduct.
5. I sign up for races early. I don't want to embarrass myself. And if I've signed up, I have to be there.
6. I have an excellent playlist. I don't think I'd workout as much without my music, and I know that I would not push myself as hard as I sometimes do. My playlist is ridiculous, to be honest. I have Muppets and The Crystal Method, Ludacris and the theme from "The Green Hornet", among other things. But, who cares?! It gets me going and it keeps me going. Plus, when I want to add a new song that I need to purchase, I always set up a little mini-goal to earn it.
7. Joe. I just have an awesome husband. He has loved me completely at my heaviest, lightest, and all of the in-betweens. But, to see his excitement at my progress, to hear the pride in his voice as I reach new milestones--those are things that make me swell with pride and love.
8. Andy. I want my child to know how to be healthy, and to enjoy it. I want to set that example for him. I have made sure to talk to him about my efforts, to help him find his own ways of enjoying exercise, etc. Fortunately, he's a good eater and has the energy that you'd expect for a 4 year-old boy. After I finished my first race last week, he said, "I'm proud of you, Mom." If that doesn't make a mom teary eyed, I don't know what will.
9. New clothes and other fun stuff...when I hit 50 pounds of weight lost, I got to buy new running shoes. I'm about 20 pounds away from needing a new (transitional!) wardrobe. I'm not a very girly girl, and I've never loved shopping (though, I suspect a lot of that stems from my embarrassment because of my weight). However, the idea of getting new stuff is super exciting!! And, I've already decided that when I hit my final weight loss goal, that I'm getting a day at the spa. Ahhhhhh.
Anyway, my next post is going to be about what I've learned through this process. And, believe me, I have learned a lot. But if you're someone who has needed a boost to get started, I hope that this will help you to find your own ways to be successful.
As a point of personal privilege, I want to thank all of you who responded in such humbling and supportive ways to my post yesterday. It is pretty amazing to know that there are so many people who took the time to read my story, let alone to then respond to it. So, thanks. I count myself truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.
Anyway, the first part of today's post is more about the technical side of what I've been doing to work toward my health goals. I mentioned yesterday that I needed to find things that fit within my life, and it took some time to hit on a master combination. But, at this point, I feel like I've really landed on things that make sense, and that work well in tandem with each other.
So, without any further ado, part two:
Though I am not someone who can say that I've tried "every diet in the book", I definitely looked into a number of things and dabbled in a few of them. I struggle with discipline and with maintaining interest in things (heck, I've even been diagnosed with ADHD), so I could fairly easily rule out diets that caused you to drop things cold turkey. For some people, dropping sugar and flour completely out of their diet has been an effective, maintainable approach to losing weight. I actually decided to try that for funsies this week and, as I write this, I'm on day 2; I'm glad that I'm trying it, but I'll be glad when I'm finished, too. Anyway, I did some searching and finally landed upon a website/app called loseit!. I was able to set up an account for free, and it has a giant database of foods from which you can select those things which you've eaten on a particular day, along with the amount that you ate. When you can't find the appropriate product, you can scan the upc code or manually enter the data.
How it works, aside from that, is pretty easy. You enter your current weight, your goal weight and, essentially, how quickly you'd like to lose (or gain) it. It will let you plan to lose up to two pounds/week. Then, it gives you a calorie budget based on those numbers. As you lose weight, the calorie budget decreases little by little. And, when you exercise, you can enter that in, too, to represent more accurately the extra calories that you have to burn. You get badges, weekly reports, graphs and all sorts of other stuff.
This was a great first step for me. And it worked fairly well for several months. I was exercising more, too, but the big thing was that I was never forced to stay away from things that I enjoy in the name of a diet. I can eat pizza--I just have to have calories in the budget. And, if I don't have the calories, then I better get out and earn them with a walk or a swim or whatever. Frankly, though, the longer I stick with it, the less I want to have high fat, high sugar, highly processed stuff, anyway.
To me, the key here is that I haven't really been on a diet with a stopping point; instead, I've learned how to make healthy modifications that I can live with well beyond the moment when I hit my goal. So, that's part one.
Second, I got a bunch of money in amazon gift cards for Christmas. I had about 3908 things in my shopping cart, and was ready to shell out my virtual dough, when I saw a listing for a Fitbit One. I didn't have a clue what a fitbit was, or how it worked, but I liked saying it, so I looked into it (I know; I'm a marketer's dream). Anyway, it's a pedometer/calorie counter/staircase counter/sleep measurer/activity level measurer/distance measurer all in one. I love it. It wasn't cheap, at $105, but, for me, it has been worth every penny.
It measures things, which is nice, but it also gives me daily goals. I'm fiercely competitive by nature and, finally, my disdain for losing has paid off--I hate it when I don't meet my goals for the day. I'm even tepid when I meet them, but only just.
Other things that I love include the fact that it only needs to be charged about once/week, it's water & sweat proof, it's small and unobtrusive and, best of all, it automatically syncs with my computer AND with my loseit! accounts, to offer an even BETTER breakdown of calories burned. For folks who don't do running and/or walking as their primary exercise, it might not be so helpful, though there is an activity tab, under which you can enter the data from other types of movement.
And third, I got the Couch to 10K App for my phone. It, too, is a freebie. And it has the voice of a lovely woman who, each day throughout the series, tells me when to warm up, when to run, when to walk (if ever) and when to begin my cooldown. It gradually increases the distance and stamina required. Plus, you can listen to your own music throughout. And, maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure that the lovely woman's voice is especially enthusiastic when she says, "Your workout is finished."
The combination of these three elements, plus a dose of motivation and courage, has gotten me this far. Well, mostly. But, the apps didn't just get me eating better or showing up at the track in the frigid winter by themselves.
Here are other things that have helped me along the way:
1. Pinterest is one of many great ways to find motivational quotes. I took a bunch of my favorites, typed them up in a variety of fonts and colors (because that's fun for me), and I have them next to my bed. I read them a couple of times a week, at least, and more if I'm having a particularly rough patch.
2. I visualize like crazy. To get through tough runs, for example, I "see" Andy cheering for me at the end of all of the races I have on the agenda. I "see" myself fitting into a goal outfit that I've been eyeing up. I "see" my calves when they're toned like a runner's calves ought to be.
3. I think of things that make my effort valuable. I think of how proud my dad would be if he were alive to see this happening. I think of how proud Joe is of me. I think of the many friends and family members who have observed changes in me (it's been at least 2 months since I showed up at church and didn't have someone complimenting and congratulating me). I think, too, of the people who have said that I have inspired them to make healthy, positive changes in their own lives. And, of course, I think of the fact that Kaitlin, my running buddy, and I are keeping track of the miles that we run and, of course, I want to win. Honestly, that last thing is sometimes the only thing that keeps me moving.
4. I have Kaitlin. She and I hold each other accountable just by checking in when we run. But, what's especially great about Kaitlin is that she is so great at offering encouragement and she also is a relaxed person by nature, which helps me to relax, too. It's safe to say that our friendship has grown through this, too, which is a nice byproduct.
5. I sign up for races early. I don't want to embarrass myself. And if I've signed up, I have to be there.
6. I have an excellent playlist. I don't think I'd workout as much without my music, and I know that I would not push myself as hard as I sometimes do. My playlist is ridiculous, to be honest. I have Muppets and The Crystal Method, Ludacris and the theme from "The Green Hornet", among other things. But, who cares?! It gets me going and it keeps me going. Plus, when I want to add a new song that I need to purchase, I always set up a little mini-goal to earn it.
7. Joe. I just have an awesome husband. He has loved me completely at my heaviest, lightest, and all of the in-betweens. But, to see his excitement at my progress, to hear the pride in his voice as I reach new milestones--those are things that make me swell with pride and love.
8. Andy. I want my child to know how to be healthy, and to enjoy it. I want to set that example for him. I have made sure to talk to him about my efforts, to help him find his own ways of enjoying exercise, etc. Fortunately, he's a good eater and has the energy that you'd expect for a 4 year-old boy. After I finished my first race last week, he said, "I'm proud of you, Mom." If that doesn't make a mom teary eyed, I don't know what will.
9. New clothes and other fun stuff...when I hit 50 pounds of weight lost, I got to buy new running shoes. I'm about 20 pounds away from needing a new (transitional!) wardrobe. I'm not a very girly girl, and I've never loved shopping (though, I suspect a lot of that stems from my embarrassment because of my weight). However, the idea of getting new stuff is super exciting!! And, I've already decided that when I hit my final weight loss goal, that I'm getting a day at the spa. Ahhhhhh.
Anyway, my next post is going to be about what I've learned through this process. And, believe me, I have learned a lot. But if you're someone who has needed a boost to get started, I hope that this will help you to find your own ways to be successful.
4.02.2013
The Weight is Over, Pt. 1
Greetings and Salutations.
Enough people have asked me what I've done to lose weight, how I began running, how I stay motivated, etc. that it seems the time has come to just write a blog--or three--about the whole experience.
I strongly believe that, in order to get to where I want to be, I first need to know and confront the places I've been thus far. And that is the purpose of today's post--to talk about the things in my life that got me to my current state of being. This is not an easy post, as it requires me to talk about things that have been very difficult for me, but I think it's important. And, if any of you who reads this feels alone in your own challenges, perhaps this will do some good in your own life by reminding you that you aren't, in fact, alone. We all have burdens to bear.
My story of weight-related struggles began somewhere around fourth grade. I think it was during the summer just prior that I sat in my pediatrician's office for a routine physical and first heard him say that I was "overweight." I was 8 at the time, so I'm certain that I took the news in stride; I'm equally certain that my mom, who has faced her own struggles with weight for the large majority of her life (though, no more), was crushed by the news.
I don't recall any significant moments of difficulty in fourth or fifth grade, but, conversely, I remember very little about my time in school from sixth through eighth grade that isn't connected to the barrage of taunts headed in my direction. Don't get me wrong--I had lots of friends, I was basically happy, and I was successful in both academics and extracurricular activities. But, I also spent more than a couple of nights crying because I was made fun of for my weight by boys in my grade. I can remember exact moments from some of the "fringe" characters in the 'Taunt Kristen' show; there were three boys, though, who were so ruthless that their words, and the incidents of my public shaming, are too numerous to recall with any specificity. I am well aware that 6th-8th grade are notoriously difficult for everyone, so I don't want to make it sound as if I lived in a world of isolated pain and frustration. But, I can only speak for my own pain. It was not an easy time for me. To look back now, I'm actually even more horrified, though, because I let my own self-image be defined by the harsh words of others. And, by the way, at my highest weight in those three years, I was about 125 pounds and a size 8. I cringe to think of what people go through at that stage in life when their weight struggles are legitimately significant.
Fortunately, everyone grew up a bit in high school, and the direct teasing faded away somewhat. However, I did gain some more weight, and also became keenly aware of all of the other girls around me. They all looked prettier, skinnier, trendier and, as a result, "better" than me. And, I fell into a spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. I, unconsciously but certainly, made the determination at some point that my self-worth was wrapped up in my appearance and my weight. It didn't matter that, weight issues aside, I was quite accomplished. I--and so many others--invest so much time and emotion into how we look, and into feeling sorry for ourselves when we don't believe that we measure up to the people around us.
The story goes on and on; a lot of gorgeous young women unknowingly contributed to my own self deprecation. I realized that I was so eager to be liked despite my major flaw that there were "friends" in my life who walked all over me, but lacked the motivation to confront them. Instead, I just worked harder to keep them happy. And, I became the "funny" girl; and the "just one of the guys" girl and filled all of those other roles that made it seem like I was perfectly happy in my skin. But, in the privacy of my own thoughts and feelings, I was not happy. I was jealous and bitter. I even, at one point, wished I had the willpower to be anorexic or bulimic despite the fact that I knew those things were no healthier--and represented an equal level of addiction to food, manifested to a different extreme. And, I became cruel--at least, internally--when I saw other people who were heavier than me. I could make myself feel better if I could belittle others. I'm embarrassed to say that that was the attitude that I adopted, but, as I said, we can't move forward without confronting where we began.
When Joe and I dated, I decided to test the waters of my trust by letting myself open up about this issue. I didn't say much, but to say anything at all demonstrated--I thought--a significant amount of vulnerability. And, I genuinely feared that I might lose him in talking about it--as if he couldn't already tell by looking at me that I had a weight problem, and still loved me anyway. To be honest, it took almost 5 years before I really let myself open up to him--which was unfair of me, to say the least.
A few years ago, I joined a gym and had a personal trainer. I lost around 30 pounds at that point, which was great, but driving 25 minutes to the gym and paying all of that money got old pretty quickly. I kept coming up with more and more excuses until, ultimately, I stopped showing up. And the weight came back with a vengeance.
Finally, last July, I reached my breaking point. I can't really identify any specific incident, other than to say that I had seen a progressively-increasing number on my scale one too many times. To motivate me to do something about it, I actually sat down and researched everything to know about bariatric surgery. I had to decide: am I going to commit to making real changes in my life, or am I going to ask Joe to commit a (nice) new car's-worth of money to an incredibly risky surgery with significant side effects and no guarantee of life-long success? Needless to say, I chose the former.
I set up a few ground rules for myself: I needed to find a way of doing things that made sense in my life. I needed to open up to Joe--at least--so that I could begin to have accountability. I needed to find a way to make changes in my life that I could stick with beyond the time needed to reach my goal weight.
It took some time, but I was able to meet all of those requirements...and I'll write more about them in the next post!
Enough people have asked me what I've done to lose weight, how I began running, how I stay motivated, etc. that it seems the time has come to just write a blog--or three--about the whole experience.
I strongly believe that, in order to get to where I want to be, I first need to know and confront the places I've been thus far. And that is the purpose of today's post--to talk about the things in my life that got me to my current state of being. This is not an easy post, as it requires me to talk about things that have been very difficult for me, but I think it's important. And, if any of you who reads this feels alone in your own challenges, perhaps this will do some good in your own life by reminding you that you aren't, in fact, alone. We all have burdens to bear.
My story of weight-related struggles began somewhere around fourth grade. I think it was during the summer just prior that I sat in my pediatrician's office for a routine physical and first heard him say that I was "overweight." I was 8 at the time, so I'm certain that I took the news in stride; I'm equally certain that my mom, who has faced her own struggles with weight for the large majority of her life (though, no more), was crushed by the news.
I don't recall any significant moments of difficulty in fourth or fifth grade, but, conversely, I remember very little about my time in school from sixth through eighth grade that isn't connected to the barrage of taunts headed in my direction. Don't get me wrong--I had lots of friends, I was basically happy, and I was successful in both academics and extracurricular activities. But, I also spent more than a couple of nights crying because I was made fun of for my weight by boys in my grade. I can remember exact moments from some of the "fringe" characters in the 'Taunt Kristen' show; there were three boys, though, who were so ruthless that their words, and the incidents of my public shaming, are too numerous to recall with any specificity. I am well aware that 6th-8th grade are notoriously difficult for everyone, so I don't want to make it sound as if I lived in a world of isolated pain and frustration. But, I can only speak for my own pain. It was not an easy time for me. To look back now, I'm actually even more horrified, though, because I let my own self-image be defined by the harsh words of others. And, by the way, at my highest weight in those three years, I was about 125 pounds and a size 8. I cringe to think of what people go through at that stage in life when their weight struggles are legitimately significant.
Fortunately, everyone grew up a bit in high school, and the direct teasing faded away somewhat. However, I did gain some more weight, and also became keenly aware of all of the other girls around me. They all looked prettier, skinnier, trendier and, as a result, "better" than me. And, I fell into a spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. I, unconsciously but certainly, made the determination at some point that my self-worth was wrapped up in my appearance and my weight. It didn't matter that, weight issues aside, I was quite accomplished. I--and so many others--invest so much time and emotion into how we look, and into feeling sorry for ourselves when we don't believe that we measure up to the people around us.
The story goes on and on; a lot of gorgeous young women unknowingly contributed to my own self deprecation. I realized that I was so eager to be liked despite my major flaw that there were "friends" in my life who walked all over me, but lacked the motivation to confront them. Instead, I just worked harder to keep them happy. And, I became the "funny" girl; and the "just one of the guys" girl and filled all of those other roles that made it seem like I was perfectly happy in my skin. But, in the privacy of my own thoughts and feelings, I was not happy. I was jealous and bitter. I even, at one point, wished I had the willpower to be anorexic or bulimic despite the fact that I knew those things were no healthier--and represented an equal level of addiction to food, manifested to a different extreme. And, I became cruel--at least, internally--when I saw other people who were heavier than me. I could make myself feel better if I could belittle others. I'm embarrassed to say that that was the attitude that I adopted, but, as I said, we can't move forward without confronting where we began.
When Joe and I dated, I decided to test the waters of my trust by letting myself open up about this issue. I didn't say much, but to say anything at all demonstrated--I thought--a significant amount of vulnerability. And, I genuinely feared that I might lose him in talking about it--as if he couldn't already tell by looking at me that I had a weight problem, and still loved me anyway. To be honest, it took almost 5 years before I really let myself open up to him--which was unfair of me, to say the least.
A few years ago, I joined a gym and had a personal trainer. I lost around 30 pounds at that point, which was great, but driving 25 minutes to the gym and paying all of that money got old pretty quickly. I kept coming up with more and more excuses until, ultimately, I stopped showing up. And the weight came back with a vengeance.
Finally, last July, I reached my breaking point. I can't really identify any specific incident, other than to say that I had seen a progressively-increasing number on my scale one too many times. To motivate me to do something about it, I actually sat down and researched everything to know about bariatric surgery. I had to decide: am I going to commit to making real changes in my life, or am I going to ask Joe to commit a (nice) new car's-worth of money to an incredibly risky surgery with significant side effects and no guarantee of life-long success? Needless to say, I chose the former.
I set up a few ground rules for myself: I needed to find a way of doing things that made sense in my life. I needed to open up to Joe--at least--so that I could begin to have accountability. I needed to find a way to make changes in my life that I could stick with beyond the time needed to reach my goal weight.
It took some time, but I was able to meet all of those requirements...and I'll write more about them in the next post!
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