Okay, stay-at-home types (and/or mostly-stay-at-home-but-work-part-time-at-night types):
What do you do to find personal joy and growth? When? How? Where? How much does it cost? What impact does it have on your success as a strong wife, mother, friend, etc.?
I'm in a place right now that I imagine is not so foreign to many (all?) of you. I'm happy with my life. I love being at home with Andy. I love having the opportunity to work a bit at night, and blessed to know that there's no burden on me to continue if it gets in the way of my priorities. I have wonderful family and lots of friends (some of whom I even get to hang out with tomorrow night! hooray!)
BUT...I feel as if I'm not getting enough intellectual development and stimulation as I'd like. I read as often as I can; I have books--both real and digital--and love to escape for even 10 minutes (sometimes, more like 3 minutes) into them. I need more.
This makes me feel both like a jerk, both because it feels like I should just be content in the midst of this really amazing life that I have--and it really is an amazing life; I'm so blessed--but I feel dissatisfaction tugging at me, and also, Joe works all day, so it would be unfair for me to take on something for myself if it meant ignoring the fact that he, too, needs his time.
I have a lot of interests; I could easily fill my time. But I want to do something that is productive, makes a difference in the world (even in my own little corner of the world), and that is a positive thing for my entire family--not just for me. Also, in an ideal world, it would be something that would happen somewhere other than in my house because, frankly, I'd be far too distracted by other things that need to be done in my house if I had to sit in it.
As far as pursuing a career goes, it is something that I would love if--and only if--I could find someone who would care for Andy and teach Andy exactly as Joe and I would. And, plus, we are still very seriously considering going the home school route, which obviously means that my own academic goals would need to wait at least a few years if that's how we choose to move forward.
I'm tired of trying a whole bunch of things for a little while. I want to do something--pursue something--that sticks. But, again, within the parameters I've laid out. And, of course, it needs to reflect my gifts and interests.
Enter you, with your wisdom. Thoughts? Suggestions? Am I really a huge jerk?
7.16.2012
6.18.2012
pride and prejudice and sense and sensibility
I am in love with the writings of Jeanette Walls, who first came to prominence as the author of her memoir, Glass Castle, and then presented her second work, Half-Broke Horses, most of which is biographical information supplied by Walls' spunky grandmother, and some of which is just historical fiction, used to fill out some of the missing bits that were hard to recall by the time Walls and her grandmother got to speaking about such things. And it's awesome. I love reading memoirs in general, but I've found myself to be especially taken by these two books (as well as those of Barbara Kingsolver).
Anyway, there is a section when Lily (Walls' grandmother) is speaking with her daughter, Rosemary, when she's six years old. They've recently moved to a remote corner of Arizona for Lily to earn extra spending money as a teacher. Apart from their family, the vast majority of people in this small decrepit "town" were Mormon polygamists who had moved into seclusion to avoid government harassment. Rosemary expressed fascination with the family life of the Mormons, and asked many questions about their lives. I was especially struck by this bit of conversation:
Anyway, there is a section when Lily (Walls' grandmother) is speaking with her daughter, Rosemary, when she's six years old. They've recently moved to a remote corner of Arizona for Lily to earn extra spending money as a teacher. Apart from their family, the vast majority of people in this small decrepit "town" were Mormon polygamists who had moved into seclusion to avoid government harassment. Rosemary expressed fascination with the family life of the Mormons, and asked many questions about their lives. I was especially struck by this bit of conversation:
"That's what they believe," I told her, "but that doesn't mean it's true."
"Then why do they believe it?"
"America is a free country," I said. "And that means people are free to believe whatever cockamamie thing they want to believe."
"So they don't have to believe it if they don't want to?" Rosemary asked.
"No, they don't."
"But do they know that?"
...
That, I came to see, was the heart of the matter. You were free to choose enslavement, but the choice was a free one only if you knew what your alternatives were.
Being the mother of a wide-eyed, impressionable almost-four-year-old, the aunt of a wide-eyed, impressionable nine- and two- year old, and a part of the lives of several other wide-eyed, impressionable types, I really like this bit of text. It makes me really think about what my responsibilities are to the people who have awarded me with their trust.
How do I stay true to the beliefs that I've come to adopt as my own, while also presenting all aspects of the realities that others have chosen for themselves in a way that's fair and loving? I feel pretty strongly that the business of faith, religion, politics, ethics, and whatever other hot-button type topics are so controversial cannot be adequately explained or explored if my goal is merely to convince. A friend of mine said it well when he noted, "If I can convince somebody to believe in something, then someone else can just as easily convince them out of it." Inasmuch as I am a talker, being all-talk is not helpful.
What, then, is our responsibility? When does it become time to let go of that responsibility, with the awareness that someone else (perhaps the person we're talking with, him/herself, even) must take over where we've left off? When are we crossing a line? When do we more harm than good in trying to convey our own set of beliefs? When is our quest to share faith/politics/what have you more for selfish motives than because we truly want to help a person seek, discern, understand, and believe? And, perhaps the toughest question of all, how do we deal if and when a person that we love, upon exploring all sorts of belief systems--including our own--arrives at a completely, and mutually exclusive set of their own beliefs?
If we take a look at the answers to those questions have revealed themselves most prominently in society, it's quite disheartening. Here are some observations:
1. In general, the tendency is to feel a greater responsibility to talk people into believing what we do, than there is a responsibility to speaking intelligently about the entire spectrum of beliefs. However, as was noted in the book, your freedom to choose is only free if you know the alternatives. And, furthermore, your beliefs can only be tested when they are held in tension with those that oppose them. And your beliefs cannot be rock solid and unshakeable unless they are tested. Of course, even as I write this, I'm aware that it's an expression of my own set of beliefs.
2. There are a lot of people who hate other people because their beliefs are different. Frequently, this is true even when they haven't taken the time to find out how those beliefs differ.
3. Labels can destroy our ability to develop lasting friendships with people. We may not treat each other with animosity, but we certainly miss out on lots of opportunities because of the pre-conceived notions that we have when we hear "Republican" or "Democrat" or "Muslim" or "Christian" or "Home-Schooled" or "Gay."
4. We are horribly underqualified, in many cases, to speak authoritatively about our own set of beliefs and even moreso, to speak about other sets of beliefs.
5. We are afraid to admit we're wrong. Ever.
6. We are afraid (perhaps even moreso) to admit that there are lots and lots and lots of areas that need not be "gray" or "different" because, in reality, we agree. We use similarity as evidence that one line of thought cannot be true, and we use difference to prove our point that "we're right and you're wrong".
7. An unbelievable number of people have died because they believed something different. Or, at least, because it was assumed that they did. Sometimes I wonder how many non-American Muslims were killed or injured on 9/11 because they were at work in the WTC. (Not that they would've agreed with the motives behind the attackers, but they probably wouldn't have been in the line of fire, either.)
8. We justify feelings of animosity when we disagree, but we still like to pretend that we're the "better people." In general, people are more guarded around people with known differences because we trust them less. We often regard them as misguided, a product of poor circumstances, lost, stupid, attention-seeking or as people who hate us because we are right and they don't like that.
9. Lots of panel discussions are held with the idea that various opinions and perspectives can be heard, but folks rarely walk out afterward thinking that they needed to change their thinking.
10. We believe that, because so many people have different beliefs, that there cannot possibly be one truth. We hardly ever entertain the notion that, in fact, we're all right about some stuff, we're all wrong about some stuff, and that, though the singular truth will be revealed at some point, the best that any of us can do is to keep learning, growing, seeking and, yes, even changing, questioning, doubting and tweaking.
I think that it would be an interesting project to have people engage in a debate wherein they were required to defend a belief system that, in reality, was not their own. What might we learn from such a task?
Now, I want to make something clear here: none of what I've said to this point is meant to suggest that we remain eternally wishy washy in our beliefs. Rather, we need to continually educate ourselves in ways that will allow us to tweak--or affirm--or debunk whatever it is that we have come to adopt. There is no such thing as a healthy set of beliefs that is also stagnant; this is a process that must be dynamic. Otherwise, we come across as arrogant and ridiculous because, well, we are arrogant and ridiculous.
Republicans don't have to become Democrats. Christians don't have to abandon their belief in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. But, perhaps we should reevaluate what we really know about all of the other things that are out there. And, no matter what the results are, we would really do ourselves--and everyone--a favor if we could just figure out how to love people...no matter what they think.
5.22.2012
What I Celebrate.
If Dad were alive, he'd be 61 today. There would be an ice cream cake, or heavenly hash cake, and there would either be a trip out to Eddie's or maybe steak, salad, corn and some other delcious side dish. There would be gifts that Dad would say we shouldn't have bought, cards that would warrant plenty of eye rolls for being so ridiculous (usually from me), and a general sense of merriment, especially since today is also my sister and brother-in-law's anniversary.
But, Dad isn't here. I have no cake, I will save a few bucks on gifts this year, and I don't feel especially merry.
I miss Dad. That will not be a surprise to anyone.
I don't cry every day now, but there are still moments...Dad was concerned about leaving a legacy, but his concern was totally unfounded...he is in so much of what I do, and I know that the same is true for my sister and mother, among others.
I don't know the details of how she lost her father, but a friend and former co-worker of mine, Erin, also lost her Dad when he was far too young (by our standards, anyway). All signs indicate that he was of similar caliber to my own dad, and her love for him was evident. I remember scrolling through Facebook one day and saw her status, which read something to the effect of this: "Today, we celebrate Dad's new birth in Heaven." I was struck by that and, today, I find myself falling back on it even as I continue to be a bit sad. After all, the promises that I trust say that we not only defeat death, but also find new life in passing beyond our time here on Earth. It's a challenge to understand this--especially since I've seen the box that holds Dad's cremated remains--but it's such a comfort to believe in it. So, perhaps, instead of being sad about Dad missing his 61st birthday here, I ought to celebrate that he's already over six months old in Heaven!!
And again, Heaven is a pretty mysterious entity to me--lots of streets of gold and river of life talk--not to mention all those precious jewels--but I'm beginning to see its mystery as a gift, too. Maybe God didn't want to give away all of the surprises because, now, we have a chance to let our imaginations run wild and free. When I was little, I thought that Heaven was a giant room with red carpeting and lots of Whirlpool washing machines (now laundry makes me think of a different place, but that's beside the point...). Now, it's fun to envision that Heaven is kind of like the Idea Warehouse on Imagination Movers (if you're not the parent of a young child who has seen this, then you need to know that it is a children's show on Disney, and that the job of the Movers is to solve Idea Emergencies). In their warehouse, they have lots of different rooms: a farm room, a bubble garden, a lost and found room, a loud noises room--countless rooms to meet the needs of their varying challenges. Maybe that's a bit like Heaven. In that case, I'm certain that Dad ran into a number of familiar faces (most certainly, my grandpa) in the WVU room. And he probably found Mom Henthorn (my amazing great grandmother) in the Old Hymns room, chatting it up with John and Charles Wesley. I'm sure he spends lots of time talking Dietrich Bonhoeffer's ear off in the Totally Awesome Martyr room. And there's no doubt that Dad will have made a few stops in the eggnog room, as well as the hole-in-one-everytime room (I mean, it's Heaven, right?!)
Ok, Heaven's probably not quite like that. But all signs point to it being pretty amazing. More than we can imagine, in fact. So why shouldn't I mark the anniversaries of Dad's departure from Earth as celebrations of his new life?!? And why wouldn't I want to help other people figure out how they can get in on the action, too?!
This brings me to another point, which is one toward which I've given a lot of thought, especially since hearing Dave's sermon on Sunday about hospitality--and the danger that is present as 'hospitality' moves more and more toward being a professional entity than a common courtesy. In fact, there's not a person in the Bible who wouldn't be completely offended by the manner in which we disregard opportunities to be hospitable. It didn't matter who you were, why you were in town, or what I had going on that night--if you needed a place to stay and food to eat, then I gave it to you. The story of Elijah finding housing with a woman and her ailing son comes to mind--she confessed that she had barely enough oil and flour to make bread, but still welcomed Elijah into her home--and, though the Bible does not guarantee that we will be rewarded for every faithful act that we do in this way, she was given endless supplies of oil and flour as a result of her faith and her open doors. My experience in Malawi, Africa was the same. These people had next to nothing, but found a way to put together the richest feast they could manage (actually, it was beyond what they could manage) to honor and serve and welcome me.
Joe and I discussed the fact that we feel like we do a fairly good job of being hospitable most of the time, and I pointed out that our differences are actually helpful here, as we tend to find different ways of offering hospitality. He's really good at some of them, I'm really good at others. For example, even when we host guests in our home, we both know that Joe should do the bulk of the cooking and I should do the bulk of the conversing.
But bringing it all back to my thoughts on Heaven: Heaven would not be so appealing if we weren't promised a warm and amazing welcome. And neither is a church--or a home--or a faith. I'm not saying we should be disingenuous. Making promises about Christianity that are untrue is not a good way to win people over. And, let's face it, there's a lot of really nasty stuff in the Bible...and really hard stuff, too...but there are ways to be honest about such things and to still offer a sense of what hospitality is like. We're given an amazing gift in knowing all the facets of the faith to which we ascribe; it is up to us to decide whether or not our lives will reflect the same sort of (often-unfounded) hatefulness and judgement, or if we will demonstrate that we have learned from the past, changed and grown in ways that allow us to be loving, welcoming, and invested in peoples' lives--even people who aren't quite like us or who inconvenience us or whatever. After all, lots of those folks are going to find their way into Heaven, too. We might as well start loving them now.
But, Dad isn't here. I have no cake, I will save a few bucks on gifts this year, and I don't feel especially merry.
I miss Dad. That will not be a surprise to anyone.
I don't cry every day now, but there are still moments...Dad was concerned about leaving a legacy, but his concern was totally unfounded...he is in so much of what I do, and I know that the same is true for my sister and mother, among others.
I don't know the details of how she lost her father, but a friend and former co-worker of mine, Erin, also lost her Dad when he was far too young (by our standards, anyway). All signs indicate that he was of similar caliber to my own dad, and her love for him was evident. I remember scrolling through Facebook one day and saw her status, which read something to the effect of this: "Today, we celebrate Dad's new birth in Heaven." I was struck by that and, today, I find myself falling back on it even as I continue to be a bit sad. After all, the promises that I trust say that we not only defeat death, but also find new life in passing beyond our time here on Earth. It's a challenge to understand this--especially since I've seen the box that holds Dad's cremated remains--but it's such a comfort to believe in it. So, perhaps, instead of being sad about Dad missing his 61st birthday here, I ought to celebrate that he's already over six months old in Heaven!!
And again, Heaven is a pretty mysterious entity to me--lots of streets of gold and river of life talk--not to mention all those precious jewels--but I'm beginning to see its mystery as a gift, too. Maybe God didn't want to give away all of the surprises because, now, we have a chance to let our imaginations run wild and free. When I was little, I thought that Heaven was a giant room with red carpeting and lots of Whirlpool washing machines (now laundry makes me think of a different place, but that's beside the point...). Now, it's fun to envision that Heaven is kind of like the Idea Warehouse on Imagination Movers (if you're not the parent of a young child who has seen this, then you need to know that it is a children's show on Disney, and that the job of the Movers is to solve Idea Emergencies). In their warehouse, they have lots of different rooms: a farm room, a bubble garden, a lost and found room, a loud noises room--countless rooms to meet the needs of their varying challenges. Maybe that's a bit like Heaven. In that case, I'm certain that Dad ran into a number of familiar faces (most certainly, my grandpa) in the WVU room. And he probably found Mom Henthorn (my amazing great grandmother) in the Old Hymns room, chatting it up with John and Charles Wesley. I'm sure he spends lots of time talking Dietrich Bonhoeffer's ear off in the Totally Awesome Martyr room. And there's no doubt that Dad will have made a few stops in the eggnog room, as well as the hole-in-one-everytime room (I mean, it's Heaven, right?!)
Ok, Heaven's probably not quite like that. But all signs point to it being pretty amazing. More than we can imagine, in fact. So why shouldn't I mark the anniversaries of Dad's departure from Earth as celebrations of his new life?!? And why wouldn't I want to help other people figure out how they can get in on the action, too?!
This brings me to another point, which is one toward which I've given a lot of thought, especially since hearing Dave's sermon on Sunday about hospitality--and the danger that is present as 'hospitality' moves more and more toward being a professional entity than a common courtesy. In fact, there's not a person in the Bible who wouldn't be completely offended by the manner in which we disregard opportunities to be hospitable. It didn't matter who you were, why you were in town, or what I had going on that night--if you needed a place to stay and food to eat, then I gave it to you. The story of Elijah finding housing with a woman and her ailing son comes to mind--she confessed that she had barely enough oil and flour to make bread, but still welcomed Elijah into her home--and, though the Bible does not guarantee that we will be rewarded for every faithful act that we do in this way, she was given endless supplies of oil and flour as a result of her faith and her open doors. My experience in Malawi, Africa was the same. These people had next to nothing, but found a way to put together the richest feast they could manage (actually, it was beyond what they could manage) to honor and serve and welcome me.
Joe and I discussed the fact that we feel like we do a fairly good job of being hospitable most of the time, and I pointed out that our differences are actually helpful here, as we tend to find different ways of offering hospitality. He's really good at some of them, I'm really good at others. For example, even when we host guests in our home, we both know that Joe should do the bulk of the cooking and I should do the bulk of the conversing.
But bringing it all back to my thoughts on Heaven: Heaven would not be so appealing if we weren't promised a warm and amazing welcome. And neither is a church--or a home--or a faith. I'm not saying we should be disingenuous. Making promises about Christianity that are untrue is not a good way to win people over. And, let's face it, there's a lot of really nasty stuff in the Bible...and really hard stuff, too...but there are ways to be honest about such things and to still offer a sense of what hospitality is like. We're given an amazing gift in knowing all the facets of the faith to which we ascribe; it is up to us to decide whether or not our lives will reflect the same sort of (often-unfounded) hatefulness and judgement, or if we will demonstrate that we have learned from the past, changed and grown in ways that allow us to be loving, welcoming, and invested in peoples' lives--even people who aren't quite like us or who inconvenience us or whatever. After all, lots of those folks are going to find their way into Heaven, too. We might as well start loving them now.
1.05.2012
2012 List O' Goals(ish)
I am really good at coming up with personal aspirations. I'm not always so successful, however, at seeing those Aspirations move into the Completions column. I'm well-intentioned, of course, but generally fail to account for, you know, the rest of life and minor things like that. Even still, it seems to me that starting out a year--and a month--and a week--and a day with some sort of list that identifies significant goals, no matter how insanely beyond reach they might seem--isn't such a bad thing. If completing the list were going to be easy, after all, why bother taking the time to make it?!
Also, I have ADD (yes, actually), and list-making feels like a means toward organization and focus.
I feel good about this year's list, though, because it seems much closer to realistic than have its predecessors. But, talk to me again in a few months, and we'll see.
Without further ado, in no particular order, my list (which, by the way, I always write to have as many items as my current age...) (and, I'll include how I've been working towards completion in the first few days of the year):
1. Read entire Bible. (I signed up for reading plan on my phone, and I'm caught up!)
2. Write a book. (I have about 14 different ideas roaming through my head, with a couple that stand out).
3. Lose some poundage. (Portion control in effect)
4. Flower gardens. (Planted fall bulbs, read through new seed catalog)
5. Veggie/fruit gardens. (Same as 4)
6. Finish painting interiors of the house. (Kitchen is nearly finished--only have a bit of trim left!, Bathroom is finished)
7. Finish all construction projects. (I've started a bunch of them).
8. Read 50+ new books (and keep a list) (2 down, 3 in progress)
9. Power wash the house. (Still have the power washer I borrowed months and months ago).
10. Repair porch walls/windows. (...)
11. Finish potty training Andy (almost there, finally. YESSS!!!!)
12. Finish all manner of training Rocky.
13. Help Joe realize one of his dreams.
14. Blog at least once per week. (hi. this is a blog.)
15. Update scrapbook.
16. Join an in-depth Bible study/small group.
17. Begin "learning files" to get various topics of interest organized.
18. Organize basement desk stuff.
19. Donate even more than in 2011. (Have figured out with Joe how we want our money to be spent this year)
20. Connect with a different new person each week.
21. Stick to the budget.
22. Paint shutters, front door, garage door. (Have looked at colors)
23. Visit all of the museums in Pittsburgh.
24. Volunteer somewhere new. (Hospice care? Children's? So many options).
25. Create list of Scriptures helpful for folks who are struggling. (I just have to find my draft list...)
26. Get a new passport.
27. Finish garage.
28. Build retaining wall in back yard.
29. Spend LESS than budgeted.
30. Make intentional family time, spouse time and alone time be (at least) weekly events. (Date night tomorrow!!! Wahoo!! Plans in the works for a mini-vaca to the Crayola factory, Hershey factory and Philly for the boys to see their beloved Rocky statue this summer!!!)
What have I missed? What seems crazy? What do YOU have on YOUR list?
Also, I have ADD (yes, actually), and list-making feels like a means toward organization and focus.
I feel good about this year's list, though, because it seems much closer to realistic than have its predecessors. But, talk to me again in a few months, and we'll see.
Without further ado, in no particular order, my list (which, by the way, I always write to have as many items as my current age...) (and, I'll include how I've been working towards completion in the first few days of the year):
1. Read entire Bible. (I signed up for reading plan on my phone, and I'm caught up!)
2. Write a book. (I have about 14 different ideas roaming through my head, with a couple that stand out).
3. Lose some poundage. (Portion control in effect)
4. Flower gardens. (Planted fall bulbs, read through new seed catalog)
5. Veggie/fruit gardens. (Same as 4)
6. Finish painting interiors of the house. (Kitchen is nearly finished--only have a bit of trim left!, Bathroom is finished)
7. Finish all construction projects. (I've started a bunch of them).
8. Read 50+ new books (and keep a list) (2 down, 3 in progress)
9. Power wash the house. (Still have the power washer I borrowed months and months ago).
10. Repair porch walls/windows. (...)
11. Finish potty training Andy (almost there, finally. YESSS!!!!)
12. Finish all manner of training Rocky.
13. Help Joe realize one of his dreams.
14. Blog at least once per week. (hi. this is a blog.)
15. Update scrapbook.
16. Join an in-depth Bible study/small group.
17. Begin "learning files" to get various topics of interest organized.
18. Organize basement desk stuff.
19. Donate even more than in 2011. (Have figured out with Joe how we want our money to be spent this year)
20. Connect with a different new person each week.
21. Stick to the budget.
22. Paint shutters, front door, garage door. (Have looked at colors)
23. Visit all of the museums in Pittsburgh.
24. Volunteer somewhere new. (Hospice care? Children's? So many options).
25. Create list of Scriptures helpful for folks who are struggling. (I just have to find my draft list...)
26. Get a new passport.
27. Finish garage.
28. Build retaining wall in back yard.
29. Spend LESS than budgeted.
30. Make intentional family time, spouse time and alone time be (at least) weekly events. (Date night tomorrow!!! Wahoo!! Plans in the works for a mini-vaca to the Crayola factory, Hershey factory and Philly for the boys to see their beloved Rocky statue this summer!!!)
What have I missed? What seems crazy? What do YOU have on YOUR list?
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