Lots of Tashards...

Haha...you know, like Tashard Choice, the football player?  So, like, Choices?!?

Ahem...anyway.

My life has been pretty busy lately.  For a little over two months, I've been juggling the task of being a stay-at-home mom by day (read: CFO and COO of our home) and a barista by night.  I am an Elder at the church, and the Financial Secretary and a Connector and co-chair for the All-Church Retreat in October.  Also, I have this group of people in my life I like to call "family," who I just love to spend time with, and who I think it's really important to continue to grow in relationship with.

Yeah, I know, I just ended that sentence with a preposition.  It bugs me, too, but the "with whom..." nonsense would've made that sentence even longer, so I elected to be grammatically sketchy.  The shock!  The horror!

Moving on.

I think it's really important to evaluate the decisions that I make in my life to ensure that they're proper and best for me.  I think that it's good to know where I am, and to understand how saying "yes" or "no" to one thing or another can lead to a considerable shifting of everything else that I already juggle.  I think it's healthy to realize that things may not be headed in the direction that I'd imagined, and even healthier to accept that it's okay.

Here's my problem: I do this all of the time.  And, in so doing, I constantly change my mind.  I am a dreamer, to say the least, and I am really, really exceptional at mapping out a plan toward achieving a goal.  I am less exceptional, however, at the follow through.  I get wishy-washy.  I get nervous.  I worry that I'd be serving better in a different way.  I feel incompetent.  I feel unmotivated.  I just feel overwhelmed.

This confession gets to the heart of why (most of) my career goals have been squandered.  I have had brilliant ideas and brilliant plans for accomplishing them, but when it gets to the actual doing of things, I have pulled back on countless occasions.  This wasn't the case with the PhD, but life had its way with that dream, too (for now, at least).

I could let this get me down, which it has done before, but I have learned that that is never productive.  Instead, I'm trying to take a step back and figure out what things really make me thrive.  What are my gifts, and where would I really be able to use them in a way that can be a blessing to others?  And, what are the things that I'm undertaking that don't really seem to best reflect my gifts?  What can I do to honor my commitments, but also honor the gifts that God has given me now?  What am I doing well at this time?

Here are some of my conclusions:

1. I am not a perfect mom, but I'm a good one.  Andy is happy, healthy and learning new things each day.  He prays with us, attends church with us, and hears lots of stories from the Bible and/or using biblical concepts.  He understands demonstrating love, and does so well, which I can only attribute to his being the recipient of such love.  Frankly, his sweet spirit and zest for life have made motherhood an easy task for me.

2. I am also not a perfect wife, but I'm a good one.  I genuinely want my marriage to grow and thrive.  I am terrible at holding up my end of the bargain when it comes to keeping this house spotless (or even close), but I am working on it.  I am constantly trying to find ways to get through my own issues so that I can honor and serve Joe in the way that I believe I'm called to do.  The laundry gets done, the bills are paid on time, dinner is made (almost) every night.  I get the joy of worshiping with my husband every week, praying with him every night, and discussing all sorts of things that have to do with our faith, and how we understand what we're called to do.  I have had to work hard at opening up, especially in moments of confrontation and weakness, but Joe and I both are deeply committed to our marriage, and have come to learn that self-sacrifice and shared vision make all the difference in the world.

3. I'm a pretty great barista.  I don't just make coffee, and I don't just clean the ice machine (though that's a favorite task at the end of the night).  I also genuinely care about the customers that I serve.  When they tell me their stories (and you'd be surprised at how many of them will just spill the beans while they're waiting in line), I am truly invested in what they have to say.  I think that this job, to which I keep returning, and which I always enjoy, says a lot about who I am.  For example:
       a. I am a relational person.  I really need my private time, but I am also really passionate about knowing people in a deeper way.  I love to hear people's stories and I think that I am good at finding a way to relate to just about anyone that I encounter.  I think that I make people feel comfortable.
       b. I like instant gratification.  The speed of this job allows me to see things through at a pace that meets my need for accomplishment.  I frequently don't follow things through (see above) because I am impatient and because I divert my attention to other things.  In this job, however, I can easily start and finish something and mentally check it off of my list of things.  Knowing that about myself, I have taken all of my household (and other) tasks, and divided them into 15 minute segments.  I'm convinced I can do anything for 15 minutes, and then I can check something off of the list.
       c. I like to be needed and I like to be liked.  On multiple occasions, people have literally cheered for me when I've arrived at work for the evening.  Like, seriously, they yell, "Hurray!!! Kristen!!!"  Do you know how good that feels?  Do you know how nice it is for people to tell you on a regular basis how happy they are to be working with you, and how awesome you are, and that you're the "Queen of Customer Service"?  It feels really good.  I like to be that person.  I think we all do, in one way or another.  What's really great, though, and especially encouraging to me, is that I have been accepted by this group of people while being myself.  I mean, I'm just kind of a crazy person at work (and everywhere else, really).  I sing and dance and tell ridiculous jokes (though I think they're hilarious, of course).  It's just nice to have the kind of a comfort with this random group of people who, I guarantee, would never all find themselves in the same place under any other circumstances than the ones that presently exist.
       d. I just need to work on being patient.  I'm not impatient in the sense that I lose my temper quickly.  In that regard, actually, I'm pretty easy going, I think.  But I just like things to be moving.  I don't like stagnation. I don't like waiting in this lane when that lane is moving so much more quickly.  I think that, were I to try yoga, it would be a painful experience for me at first, though it might be just the thing to help me start thinking in this new way.  That, and if I could just learn to be content with where I am, and with what I have, then I wouldn't always be waiting around for something else!

Oy vey.  I think it's good that I have an outlet for getting all of this stuff out.  And if you've continued to read to this point, then thanks.  You're probably a great friend, and I appreciate the encouragement. :0)